Tuesday, November 8, 2016

P.M.R (II)

Before you proceed to reading, make sure to read Part (I) first. (:

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A few days had passed and it seemed to P that M were absent in all of them. R occasionally sulked to P about it, but even she gets the hint: M doesn't like her the same way she does him. When she finally told P that she was going to move on and forget the snob, P believed her, until that Friday.

"P, do you think there's a 'one true love' for every one of us? that one day we will all meet our true loves and live happily ever after?" R asked P, as they flip through their History textbook, pretending to find the answer to the essay question that their teacher assigned to everyone in the class. Open-book questions are the worst, P thought to herself.

She thought about R's question, and answered her,"Hmm, I don't know, perhaps not? There are more women in the world than there are men, and unless the only homosexuals in the world are women, then maybe? But men can't be gay."

"Homosexuality is fine by me, true love isn't about physical traits and cultural beliefs. Women can like men or women, so can men. I don't even care if they like both genders, I'm just interested to know if we are all destined to find a supposedly 'other half' of ourselves," R said in response to P's answer.

What R said made P's heart flutter for a short moment, as she finally found out that R isn't homophobic. Now it's only a matter of getting the perfect timing to tell R that P is actually gay. If the situation permits it, she'll even tell R that she's in love with her.

Without waiting for P's opinion, R continued,"I really hope that it's true, that we will all meet someone special at some point of our lives, fall deeply in love with them, get married, have kids and live happily ever after, and that will be it. That's happiness right there. I don't care about all the riches in the world, or the fancy things and lifestyle, or popularity. All I need is someone I fall onto and be comforted when I'm weak, someone I can support and support me, someone to share our happiness and special moments together."

P looked at her as she said all the things she said, and thought that R was the sweetest girl she had ever met. So pure, so loving. Ever word she said made P fell more and more in love with her, but while she felt all warm and fuzzy in her heart listening to R, she can't help but notice the little black fog in her mind, warning her that she doesn't know how R will react to her true feelings towards R: that while R accepts P as her close friend, P wanted to be a lot more to R than mere friends. A cold ice storm came storming into her warmed heart, freezing the ventricles and clotted all her blood cells into sharp tubes of bloody icicles, stabbing into the walls of her heart and brought her back to reality. Homosexuality isn't a norm in their school, known for their conventional and close-minded culture, so it's best for P to keep her identity and feelings to herself for the time being. 

Maybe, it's just a phase. Maybe, I just spent too much time with her and I've confused our friendship as something more. Maybe. It's nothing. She turned her head back to her old, hand-me-down textbook and tries to focus on the task at hand, and stop thinking about this.

R fell silent for a little while as well, then said,"I really hate myself for liking him, but I just can't let M go. It's like I'm bound to him by some invisible string that I can't cut off. I don't know how to explain it, but every time I see M, I just felt so happy. Just the sight of him for one short moment makes me happy and makes me forget about whatever bad day that I was having. I've never had such feelings towards anyone in my life, not even my ex-boyfriends, but I felt so strongly towards M. I felt like, no matter how hard I try, I'm just going to keep going back to him, even though I know that he doesn't feel the same way towards me. It's crazy, right?"

If P's heart was still trying to melt the icicles stuck in its chambers, it's no longer doing that. The walls of her heart have now completely frozen solid, and her body is numb from the cold spreading from her core. She now know for sure that her feelings towards R will never be repaid, and that she will always be just a friend to R. Her gay friend, nothing more, she thought.

She came home and immediately threw herself onto her bed, and cried into her pillows. She had no idea how long she sobbed, but she could feel that her pillow was soaking wet with her tears, and that bewildered her. She had never liked anyone in her life, and thought that maybe she's just not the type to fall in love, and her mother's selfish departure from her family made her detest any form of love because she believed that love will only bring pain at the end of the day, and if you can't have love and happiness without pain, then she would rather not have it at all. As she sobbed for the last time before her tired eyes close shut as she drifts off into her dreams, she thanked God that it's the last schooling day of the week. "TGIF huh," she said to herself with a chuckle, and fell asleep as the last drop of tear rolled down her left eye onto her tear-soaked pillow.

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Word count: 980