Saturday, September 17, 2016

It's serious when I can feel that it's serious

It's not often that people, especially Asians admit that they have some mental discomforts. I'm not sure if I should call them 'discomforts', but I'm definitely not calling them diseases or disorders. Calling them the latter two just makes them seem deadly, when sometimes they're not. Seeing a psychiatrist seems to be one of the taboo things that we can do, well, at least in my opinion it seems to be the case.

I feel like sometimes we're to self-critical to admit that perhaps there's something that bothers us mentally; somethings that prevent us to be the person we could've been without these discomforts. Some of us feel uncomfortable not cleaning up after themselves and double checking things, some people feel extra sensitive to their surroundings because what if the one time that you let your guard down would be the last time you'll ever walk down the street safely. Perhaps, it's a good thing; it makes us different, makes us unique. I choose to look at it in a positive light.

Sure, I don't have a psychiatrist I can consult with, but I know something is wrong when I feel my heart racing when my surroundings get loud and people started shouting, and I'd feel small all of the sudden and so powerless. I'd get tensed up and put myself on pilot mode so I could escape and protect myself from a full-blown emotional breakdown.

When places begin to get chaotic and loud, it feels like I'm standing in the middle of a very large field with no shelter and no weapon to protect myself, while all around me dark clouds are rolling in and as I take steps backwards, I can never sense any kind of wall or solid object that I could rest my back upon so I can feel at least a little bit safer because at least my back is safe, even though I'd probably suffer quite badly from the winds blowing from my north, east and west. Then it begin to seem like the thunderstorm is starting and the thunder is rumbling and everything gets dark. Then the lighting struck and I felt myself crouching down and hiding my head into my arms and shrinking into a round meatboulder, just waiting for the storm to hit and hope that the flood doesn't come and wash me away or drown me. It gets cold, and I felt alone, helpless, useless. The world in my head is crumbling, and nobody around me is noticing the catastrophe but me. Sometimes, it gets too overwhelming that I have to hide somewhere and give myself a good cry to release some of these tension in my mind.

No. I don't have a psychiatrist, but it doesn't mean that I can't say that I have anxiety. I don't have to go to the doctor and be clinically diagnosed as having 'chronic anxiety' in order to know that I'm uncomfortable in certain environments. I know myself well enough to say that loud places stress the heck out of me and I can't take it sometimes, to a point where I stopped responding to people for days before I can finally feel comfortable enough to join in to the society again. And I know that I need time for the storm to pass, so I can gather my thoughts and calm myself down enough so I can function as a proper human being once more. 

I know myself well enough that it's always going to be a little bit tough for me to meet people because I can't find the right words to say and the right things to do at the right time. I know myself well enough that part of the reason of why I'm the way I am is because I think too much about everything, and hence couldn't properly decipher anything. I'm not oblivious about it and I know the best way to solve this is to take a step back, take a deep breath and stop caring for a little bit. Textbook answer, right? So, you know, they don't usually work. Easier said than done, don't you think? If anyone can be fixed by just a simple advice, everyone would be perfect. We suffer from what we suffer because our bodies and minds just can't find the right knobs to push so logic can be interpret into actions and we'd do the right things and be functional.

So yeah, it sucks to suck at being the perfectly functioning human, but that's life, right?