Wednesday, June 24, 2015

What I'm trying to say is...

How should I start this post. There's no suitable or pretty way to say this.

You learn more about yourself as you live your life everyday. Good things, bad things, weird things. Somedays, you just wake up and thought: What am I doing with my life?

I used to be so sure about my future and how I like it to be, and what can I do to realize it. And I did it. "I'm not going to regret this", I always thought. But life has its ways to pound its truth into you, no matter how much you want to stay ignorant from it. There's no way to escape regret. You just have to do what feels right to you, and hope for the best there won't be much to regret about.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being driven to do something that I feel would really push me forward in life and bring closer to owning my life one day soon, but it really doesn't bring me anywhere closer. I realized that there's no end to it; no matter how much your head tells you that "this is huge, do this, and you're off on a good start". Because it isn't. Nothing is. There's always something bigger, something more important, something that needs more effort to pull off. When is 'enough', really enough?

"But that's 'cause you're improving, doing things that gets more and more complicated because you're getting good at it. That's how you move up in the society", you'd probably say. 

I don't know if climbing up on society's ladder is what I want. I've been touch-and-going things so far, trying different things and see if I like to keep doing anything for a long time, and at the end of every project/task, I feel empty. Just another line added into my resume, another sheet of paper into the certificates file, another bittersweet experience that everyone probably has gone through one way or another. Nothing more. 

All memories are the same: they have the happy portion, the not so happy portion, things that makes you feel good and bad. It really depends on which slice and portion of the memory your brain chooses to remember.

I'm a realist, borderline pessimist, maybe the other way around. I like to dwell in misery so much that I disgust myself, but that's the way I am. My memories are mostly neutral because my brain's negativity filter doesn't work well; it doesn't eliminate the little things that tarnishes happiness sprinkled on any memory I have, if it's a good memory at all. So I have the tendency to hate the things I do, no matter how much I convinced myself that I liked it and how much I should do it in the first place.

People don't come to me with their problems. It's a relief, but kind of sad in a way I guess: I don't have much to talk about with my friends. Nevertheless, sometimes (once in a very very blue moon) one or two would come and tell me their that life isn't going the way they liked, or how unhappy and frustrated they are at work or school or home. It makes me feel terrible because I can offer no comfort for these unfortunate souls, because I am not really a happy person to begin with. I am content, some of the time, but mostly I opt to stay neutral so I never forget the fact that something bad always happens the moment you forgot that it exists. I've conditioned myself in expecting worse things to happen whenever, wherever, so I can tell myself, "It's alright, I've expected this to happen. Now solve the problem."

Oh that's so pessimistic, you'd say, but let me tell you, the only option that I have other than this, is to tell myself to "not do it, save yourself from the disappointment", which will only resulted in me not doing anything at all with my life, and that's worse. But I am only human, of course there are times that I feel very happy and satisfied with myself, and it feels good, no doubt about it. Until satan comes knocking on my door and throw a sack of cow dung on my doorstep. Then I go "YOU FUCKIN' JACKASS".

I think some of you might agree with me when you complain that you job sucks/ your boss is terrible/ your colleagues are bitches. You complain about all these things that makes you unhappy, but you will still persevere and take it one day at a time. Some people like to be comforted with words that tells them to 'stay strong', some people hate to be comforted with these words because they already know that it's a given to keep doing whatever they're doing and strive through the hard times; they only want to complain and let their agony be heard, they're not asking for a solution. They know the solution: Just continue living your life till one day you're strong enough to leave it for something else. You can't leave before then, because what are you going to do to support yourself if you just leave simply because you're unhappy? There's no plan, no security. Ergo, not smart. 

I used to complain about many things, but not so much the older I got. I find that everyone has their problems, and I hate to contribute to their frustrations with my own issues. I also hate how sometimes friendships are forged upon common habits of sharing each other's problems and not doing anything about it other than just sharing them with each other. Isn't that how gossip and rumours are started? I hate that. I hate how sometimes we ask other people "How are you?" because we have nothing say but still want dig up other people's shit so we relate to it and pour out our own bucket of manure and we can all appreciate how stupid our lives are. I also hate it when I felt forced to choose between saying "I'm fine" (because that's what we are taught to say when people asked about our well-being), or be honest and tell them that "No, I'm not fine, my life is terrible" and go on complaining and sound like a whiny child that annoys everybody around her. So if I have nothing good to say but complains of how much my life sucks, than I rather not speak at all.

Because the truth is, we all have things that we like in our lives, but we don't discuss it much with our peers; we already have Social Sites to do the sharing for us, so there is no need to milk it further and sicken everybody with our happiness. Instead, we share what we hate about our lives to each other and keep the world going round with hatred. Who doesn't like to know that they're not the only ones who are messed up, right?

What I'm trying to say, is that unlike what people around me think about how awesome my life is, I have a love-hate relationship with what I've done/am doing in my life, and I have no idea where I'm going with my non-existent career. I hate decision-making and how each decision sucks 1-2years out of my life. I hate the fact that I'm 25 and still have no idea what I really want, nor have the ability to realize it. It's not just your life that sucks, my life sucks as well. So is everybody else's life on this blasted planet we called home.

What I'm trying to say, is that it wouldn't hurt to try to talk about better, more joyful things when you have conversations with other people. Sharing misery doesn't lessen the pain, but spreading happiness makes the pain more bearable.

So don't ask me how I'm doing. Take the initiative to find and say something interesting about your life, and start a conversation on a good note instead.