Sunday, March 27, 2016

Oh I see where you're going with this, you sneaky sneaky ladies ;)

It's the 21st century, and it's nothing new to see people standing up for women's rights, gender equality, the LGBTQ* community; whatever that wasn't quite fair in the past, it's getting its attention and being "fixed" now.

You saw it right, I put inverted commas at that word. "Fixed".

I'm not going to touch into a lot of topics today -- there's a lot to say about each topic and they're all very noble acts and obviously made life better for a lot of people -- I'm just going to talk about something which is close to my heart: women's rights. And I'm not even discussing ALL women's rights, I don't intend to write a thesis on it over here.

You see, I understand and I do agree that women deserve the right to earn equal wages as men do for the same amount of work we put out (if not more). If a woman can hold her sheep together with all the raging hormones and PMS and judgements she get for being born female, asking to be paid the same amount of salary as her male colleagues is fair enough. But that is not what I wanted to talk about in this post as well XD (lol)

What I really want to talk about, is that there are many working women in our society today. Nothing wrong with that, right? Even if the women are married, there are many who still have a day job, with or without children. Again, nothing wrong with that. Living is expensive now. You can't expect to afford healthy food, a decent house to live in, some pocket money to pamper yourself for your hardwork, AND some extra change left by the end of it all to be saved into your bank account.  You can only choose three and only three, and if you have kids, choose two. Because you need money to spend on your kids too. So goodbye self-reward. Try tricking yourself into believing that "my children is my reward, I live to make them happy because their happiness makes me happy" lie, but I'm not sure how long is that belief going to last you, because everyone is selfish, and everyone has a limit where after you cross that particular threshold, you go crazy and make no sense anymore. So my theory is, in order to keep your sanity intact, you HAVE to love yourself at least SOME of the time and get things that YOU want, not because you need it but simply because you want it.

I grew up knowing that one day I will need to go out and work and earn a living so I can take care of myself financially. My other option would be to find a rich husband and depend on him for the rest of my life, but that option probably reserved only for women with good karma. My karma is alright, but I don't think it's THAT awesome. So I've always known that there is a job out there with my name branded onto the wall of the cubicle for me, just waiting for the day that I've run out of reasons to not work. (Note: A part of myself is looking forward to working, but the rest of me just don't feel sure about it because I still don't really know what should I be working on.)

Due to my massive ego, I've always (secretly) scorn upon women who depend on their husbands to support themselves, until recently when I suddenly had an epiphany and realized that these women might've been one step ahead of us all along. 

My younger self thought that women who don't have her own job and her own paycheck is dependent, not self-sufficient at all, and are always asking their husbands to pay for the things that they needed. In my mind they seemed like fern on trees, piggybacking on the tree's hard earned height from years of battling with the elements. I did not like how that looks and I'm certainly not intending to be one of these ferns.

Now that I'm older, I don't see it that way anymore. In fact, I kind of envy these women. Why? because they get to stay home and not go out if they feel like it; they don't even have to dress up if they don't want to. And they get to spend time with their kids and play with them and bake them cakes and cookies and stuff. 

The only tasks that they have as homemakers, are cooking and cleaning, which I don't think is hard to do. Even working women have to cook and clean their houses when you get home from work. Cooking and cleaning are chores that each and everyone of us should do on a daily (if not weekly) basis when we move out and live on our own. 

My own mother is a homemaker, and her lifestyle consists of Candy Crush Saga, naps, snacks, Line dance and Wushu with my dad. Cooking and cleaning only takes up one-fifth of her days, and she gets the weekends off AND pocket money every month from dad (I don't think I should reveal how much, but I can tell you, it's not a mere few hundred bucks kind of a deal). Think about it, accommodation+meals+electric+water bills all covered by dad, and she doesn't have to pay taxes for the salary(pocket money) that she gets. That's a pretty awesome life I'd say.

And if you've been a stay-at-home-mother for 17 years and above, you'll get your very own chauffeur in the form of your teenage child, and if you have twins(triplets, quadruplets etc), whoever that has a driving license (paid by their fathers mind you) automatically earn themselves a spot as your very own driver to bring you around and you'll never ever have to drive yourself EVER AGAIN. And don't worry about your sons and daughters resisting the job, just remember that boys love food and free video games, and girls love shopping and desserts. Just remember to incorporate these things into your destination, and they'll be more than happy to bring you there. I did not realize this until just a couple of years ago while driving my mum out for shopping, and I have to say, touché ,mummy. Touché.

And I never thought I'd genuinely think that my mother is the smartest woman out of a world filled with many great women to look up to: Mother Teresa, Marie Curie, Helen Keller, Margaret many inspirational women!

I used to aspire to be an engineer, an architect, an artist, a scientist, without thinking about the long-term occupational hazards. Now I realized that, well, even though being an independent woman and buy my own house and car is great, and women who do that are awesome, I just much rather have all that be bought for me and have all the expenses paid for while I just enjoy my life drawing and painting and baking and sewing and play with my kids(when I have them) and make artsy mess with them and bring them out to play in parks and have snacks at ice cream shops. THAT'S the dream worth realising.

Of course, I don't intend to be 100% dependent on my husband/life partner (remember the massive ego from earlier?) , so I can't possibly not contribute financially at all. I'm not THAT selfish. I'll just work on something that requires minimal work, and maximum outcome. And I'm sure almost immediately ideas will come popping up into your heads already, so I'm not going to elaborate on that any further, as if this entry isn't long enough already. (:

*LGBTQ: The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer community 

Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Dog* Math

*Disclaimer: this post contains profanity. So, for the sake of you innocent mind and pure thoughts, vulgarity with Fs are replaced with Frogs,
those with Ss are replaced with Sheeps,
those with Ds are replaced Dogs,
and those with As are replaced with Ants
(there isn't any cute animal that starts with an A, except Axolotl, but that's too complicated to pronounce and I'm too lazy to type it out everytime I use the A bad word) 

You know what I hate? Differentiation. 

Functions and Quadratic Function? I don't see why I need to do what the computer can help me with, but okay, I'll humor you.

Simultaneous equation? Great. I love putting one thing into another thing to find that one thing I needed so I can find that other thing that YOU needed. 

Statistics? Yea cool. I might need it in my life sometimes. Even if I don't use it personally, at least I won't be lost if someone else presented a page-full on how my money came and disappeared. Money is important, and whatever that has to do with it, I must care about it. Kids, you only need to know this if you want to stay alive. Money is important. But don't earn it sheepy and illegally okay.

Coordinate geometry? Sure, but I just dont't see why I need locus unless I plan to invent mini floating bullets that hovers around me and command them to go shoot someone if s/he pissed me off.

But Differentiation? What the frog do I need it for? Oh, oh, you bought a round cookie and you need to calculate how long you can savour the sweet treat if you nibble at it at 2cm-squared per minute? Frog you. It's a dog cookie. You eat it and move on with you life with heightened blood sugar and feel better about your sorry ant and your sort-of-but-not-really miserable life. Oh you're heating your sheeping hemispheric metallic paperweight in an oven and it's expanding at 2mm-cube per minute and you wana know what the total surface area would be if you leave it there for 10 minutes? WHY DID YOU EVEN NEED TO HEAT UP YOUR SHEEPING PAPERWEIGHT! IT'S A PAPERWEIGHT! LEAVE THE POOR THING ALONE! LET IT SQUASH YOUR PAPERS THAT'S WHAT PAPERWEIGHTS DO! heating up a paperweight my foot.

Yes I know I'm long past being 16, I know add math shouldn't bother me anymore. Unfortunately I chose one of the many noble paths to save humanity to earn my living: becoming a private tutor. Yes yes, I could've stayed away from add math and teach some other subjects. I guess I'm a little bit of a daredevil, okay maybe more of a masochist.

I've always subconsciously try to find ways to make my life harder. I do that in my own education by enrolling into an MSc and opted for research-mode rather than the simpler mixed-mode study. It's a piece of paper I'm getting at the end of the day, it's not worth my time, but apparently I've spent 3 years meddling with chemicals and kill myself slowly by poison and gets almost nothing in return except going frogging bankrupt. All in the name of science and frogging "experiences". Kids, listen to auntie here, don't waste you time "gaining experiences". Our whole life IS the whole frogging experience. Whatever you do, it's YOUR experience. Don't waste time on working hard to make other people's live better, unless you can actually save the planet doing what you do in 2years or less! otherwise, sheep it and move on to other more useful things. We're not Thor, we're not Loki, we're not Gods; our lifespan is a pathetic 80 years on average (statistics, heh!) and our culture pushes us to waste the first few decades on growing, learning and "gaining experiences". As if life has no more new "experiences" for you to "experience" after you turn 40 and balding and menopausing. If life don't throw new sheep at you anymore, well then it's probably time for you to go byebye and reincarnate into a bug or something because you're a horrible human being for killing ants(actual ants, no vulgarity here, don't confuse yourself) and stuff. Because karma.

Even when I'm driving, don't expect me to use the GPS and avoid traffic and take the best route to reach my destination that I've never been to before. Ooooh no. I have to take the longer route, figure out the map by myself, get stuck in jam a little, have a mental breakdown and finally found the right way to my checkered flag. Yes I am that girl, that annoying driver that couldn't decide which way she wants to go until when the junction is 5 meters away from my car. I can't drive and pay attention to my GPS, I can't multitask on the road, okay? I'm too busy being distracted by some random lights flickering on some random building or some banners on food fairs and hot air balloon festivals. The road is simply too crowded with things to see.

And when a friend of a friend of my dad's asked if I want to take on a private tutor job, heck yeah I would! Add math! How fun! I survived through Add math and Math T AND Calculus. Form 4 Add Math? PPffffffffhhhh kacang putih. But NO. I don't see any kacang putih anywhere. There was a whole lot of kacang putih back in the first 5 chapters and a few sprinkled here and there in chapters 6-7, and suddenly there was a small kelompok of kacang putih in chapter 8, but there was not one single kacang putih or hitam or hijau or merah anywhere in Differentiation. NO. And don't give me that "well add math is not about the theories, it's about how you solve problems and develop you problem-solving skills" frogging NO. You want to develop problem-solving skills, you drag you kid into a woodshop and tell him/her to build you a bookshelf or a office table. Or bring them into your kitchen and put them in charge of dinner tonight. THOSE are legitimate and useful problems. AND math and planning and self-management are involved too, because if you dont' calculate things right and your office table is lopsided, you're gonna suffer with wobbly table for years! Your kid is probably panicking and actively searching for solutions to complete the task you've given them. THAT'S education. Not frogging differentiation. 

Hate differentiation. 

FYI, I did well in my math subjects, okay?
A1s for both my maths(modern and additional) in SPM,
a B for my Math T in STPM, 
and As for my Calculus course in my undergrad days.
So, I don't hate it because I'm terrible at it; I'm actually quite good at math. 

And if you think I'm harsh on this particular chapter in Add Math, wait till my student finishes the form4 syllabus and we move into form 5 stuff and face Integration. You might like me even lesser than you do right now.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Reboot: complete!

Okay, so I'm back to blogging (surprise surprise). If you don't know already, blogging -- or dare I say, writing in general -- and I, we can never be separated for too long. It's my sanctuary, my outlet. I'm not very verbal as a person; I'm too insecure to voice my inner thoughts because I'm afraid of being judged, even when my listener clearly ensured me that s/he will never ever judge or scorn upon my thoughts and actions. It's just how I am as a person. I must've said this for many times -- I have so many memories of typing and justifying why I like to write so much, after, you know, disappearing and abandoning my blogs and all -- so I'm not gonna say it again and ramble on. So for the final time, I like to write, okay! I just have writer's block often and that makes me feel so useless and what is wrong with me like oh no am I failing again I can't I can't I must leave there's just toomuchpressureIcan'ttakeit so I went on hiatus so many times >< but I am sorry and I am trying hard to be consistent. I promise! *cross my heart and fingers and toes*

Months have passed since I last updated; I don't know if anyone read what I've written. It's been so long since I last had an active blog (years!), I've forgotten what it's like to have an audience to write for to share my thoughts and stories. So if you're reading this, please do let me know, then at least I know this site existed in the web and is noticed/found by my friends, or acquaintances, or some random, virtual, passer-by who happened to find my art and blog interesting. Otherwise, this site would be like my secret little diary-like portal for me to rant and just go crazy and pour all the words that's been circling in my brain like a never-ending marathon, and that's great too. (:

Now I have finally gathered enough willpower to log in to this blog again; yes, it's quite an effort for me to do that, because I have to actually turn on the computer, sit in front of it like an obedient little student and start typing, because Wix doesn't support mobile devices for some reason, so I can't post updates from my phone or tablet. (okay okay I know, too much excuses >< sorry la, very troublesome, and very lazy ma)

The last time I logged in, I can't even find my site on Google; it takes 1-3months to get a site up (so Google said) for the public to actually know that this website exists and hey! come visit! Now it shows up when you type "justkhawlintosayhi"! So stoked! Much awesome! Many excite! (*u*) The internet is such a magical place.

Anyway, before I end this post, I just want to say that I'm back for good (and I mean it this time, like, seriously). I'm ready to commit to blogging again, and in updating the great internet-abiss about my constantly changing life and my ever-growing train of thoughts, expanding my portfolio in art and improving my writing skills so that maybe one day, there will come a time when you will walk in to a major bookstore and see my name on one of the books displayed on the shelves. And a bestseller too, if I can.

But for now, let's just hope that my tomorrow-self is obedient enough to come sit in front of the computer, like an obedient little student, and write to you again. (heh!)