Wednesday, June 24, 2015

What I'm trying to say is...

How should I start this post. There's no suitable or pretty way to say this.

You learn more about yourself as you live your life everyday. Good things, bad things, weird things. Somedays, you just wake up and thought: What am I doing with my life?

I used to be so sure about my future and how I like it to be, and what can I do to realize it. And I did it. "I'm not going to regret this", I always thought. But life has its ways to pound its truth into you, no matter how much you want to stay ignorant from it. There's no way to escape regret. You just have to do what feels right to you, and hope for the best there won't be much to regret about.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being driven to do something that I feel would really push me forward in life and bring closer to owning my life one day soon, but it really doesn't bring me anywhere closer. I realized that there's no end to it; no matter how much your head tells you that "this is huge, do this, and you're off on a good start". Because it isn't. Nothing is. There's always something bigger, something more important, something that needs more effort to pull off. When is 'enough', really enough?

"But that's 'cause you're improving, doing things that gets more and more complicated because you're getting good at it. That's how you move up in the society", you'd probably say. 

I don't know if climbing up on society's ladder is what I want. I've been touch-and-going things so far, trying different things and see if I like to keep doing anything for a long time, and at the end of every project/task, I feel empty. Just another line added into my resume, another sheet of paper into the certificates file, another bittersweet experience that everyone probably has gone through one way or another. Nothing more. 

All memories are the same: they have the happy portion, the not so happy portion, things that makes you feel good and bad. It really depends on which slice and portion of the memory your brain chooses to remember.

I'm a realist, borderline pessimist, maybe the other way around. I like to dwell in misery so much that I disgust myself, but that's the way I am. My memories are mostly neutral because my brain's negativity filter doesn't work well; it doesn't eliminate the little things that tarnishes happiness sprinkled on any memory I have, if it's a good memory at all. So I have the tendency to hate the things I do, no matter how much I convinced myself that I liked it and how much I should do it in the first place.

People don't come to me with their problems. It's a relief, but kind of sad in a way I guess: I don't have much to talk about with my friends. Nevertheless, sometimes (once in a very very blue moon) one or two would come and tell me their that life isn't going the way they liked, or how unhappy and frustrated they are at work or school or home. It makes me feel terrible because I can offer no comfort for these unfortunate souls, because I am not really a happy person to begin with. I am content, some of the time, but mostly I opt to stay neutral so I never forget the fact that something bad always happens the moment you forgot that it exists. I've conditioned myself in expecting worse things to happen whenever, wherever, so I can tell myself, "It's alright, I've expected this to happen. Now solve the problem."

Oh that's so pessimistic, you'd say, but let me tell you, the only option that I have other than this, is to tell myself to "not do it, save yourself from the disappointment", which will only resulted in me not doing anything at all with my life, and that's worse. But I am only human, of course there are times that I feel very happy and satisfied with myself, and it feels good, no doubt about it. Until satan comes knocking on my door and throw a sack of cow dung on my doorstep. Then I go "YOU FUCKIN' JACKASS".

I think some of you might agree with me when you complain that you job sucks/ your boss is terrible/ your colleagues are bitches. You complain about all these things that makes you unhappy, but you will still persevere and take it one day at a time. Some people like to be comforted with words that tells them to 'stay strong', some people hate to be comforted with these words because they already know that it's a given to keep doing whatever they're doing and strive through the hard times; they only want to complain and let their agony be heard, they're not asking for a solution. They know the solution: Just continue living your life till one day you're strong enough to leave it for something else. You can't leave before then, because what are you going to do to support yourself if you just leave simply because you're unhappy? There's no plan, no security. Ergo, not smart. 

I used to complain about many things, but not so much the older I got. I find that everyone has their problems, and I hate to contribute to their frustrations with my own issues. I also hate how sometimes friendships are forged upon common habits of sharing each other's problems and not doing anything about it other than just sharing them with each other. Isn't that how gossip and rumours are started? I hate that. I hate how sometimes we ask other people "How are you?" because we have nothing say but still want dig up other people's shit so we relate to it and pour out our own bucket of manure and we can all appreciate how stupid our lives are. I also hate it when I felt forced to choose between saying "I'm fine" (because that's what we are taught to say when people asked about our well-being), or be honest and tell them that "No, I'm not fine, my life is terrible" and go on complaining and sound like a whiny child that annoys everybody around her. So if I have nothing good to say but complains of how much my life sucks, than I rather not speak at all.

Because the truth is, we all have things that we like in our lives, but we don't discuss it much with our peers; we already have Social Sites to do the sharing for us, so there is no need to milk it further and sicken everybody with our happiness. Instead, we share what we hate about our lives to each other and keep the world going round with hatred. Who doesn't like to know that they're not the only ones who are messed up, right?

What I'm trying to say, is that unlike what people around me think about how awesome my life is, I have a love-hate relationship with what I've done/am doing in my life, and I have no idea where I'm going with my non-existent career. I hate decision-making and how each decision sucks 1-2years out of my life. I hate the fact that I'm 25 and still have no idea what I really want, nor have the ability to realize it. It's not just your life that sucks, my life sucks as well. So is everybody else's life on this blasted planet we called home.

What I'm trying to say, is that it wouldn't hurt to try to talk about better, more joyful things when you have conversations with other people. Sharing misery doesn't lessen the pain, but spreading happiness makes the pain more bearable.

So don't ask me how I'm doing. Take the initiative to find and say something interesting about your life, and start a conversation on a good note instead.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Our Culture

We've seen these questions attached to articles/videos/movies/music many times:
       "Men do this all the time, why is it an issue when women do it?"
       "He sang about sexualizing women in his songs, nobody complained. So what's with the backlash she's getting for sexualizing men?"
       "How are women the cause of rape when they're the victims?"
and something I watched recently:

Quote: "I took his, and why doesn't that make it into the news?"

We can go on and on and on trying to decide who's right, who's wrong, and what should and should not be done, but that's not the point. The point right now, is that our culture has developed into this toxic condition where we don't see anything wrong in wearing skimpy clothes and talk about things that used to be discussed in private with our close friends, out in the public. We got so used to 'sharing' everything everywhere that we don't recognise that sex, vulgarity, and violence are issues that should be handled delicately. Then we pulled gender into the vortex and made it an issue of 'gender equality'. What does it matter who is naked or is it a man or a woman who's pelvic thrusting or grabbing other people's body? Nobody is supposed to do that out in the open to begin with. It's not a matter about gender, it's not a matter of race or religion. It's a matter of morality. It's not about what women think about men and what men think about women, but it's about what kids think about men and women in general, and what do we (as adults) think is going through their innocent little heads and what do they expect when they become adults themselves.

I learnt my first 'bad' word when I was 13 or so, and I was intrigued but scared to use it at the same time because girls don't go around cussing in school (at least, not in my school and not in those years back then). I've only gotten the guts to spell the words out on paper by the time I was about 15, and probably used it a couple of times at 16 or 17. It doesn't make me feel any better or superior though, I don't see what's they hype about being vulgar. Maybe I'm lucky to be born into a good environment, maybe I'm lucky to meet the right kind of people in my life, or maybe I'm just too lame to 'appreciate' vulgarity. Or, maybe because I don't go on the internet for many reasons besides blogging and YouTube-surfing. 

Kids these days are tech-savvy, there isn't a child in any family with average income that doesn't know how to use a computer or a smart phone. They're exposed to the World Wide Web so early in their lives that they know that everything they want to know is a single click away, as soon as they learnt how to spell and read. So they know the words and probably what goes on in adult-life as much as adults themselves. Their brains are more malleable, more flexible and absorbant when it comes to comprehending new informations, compare to us older folks. This makes them more open to accepting these information regardless on whether are they good or bad. Sure, they know what's right and what's wrong, "but hey, those people on the TV and on the internet are doing it, so I suppose there are exceptions for doing these 'bad' things".

When artistes, celebrities, politicians or any person of influence misbehaved, we are so quick in blaming it on their gender, race and religion, when it's really their morality that needs some fixing. We're so quick to judge people based on their actions and dig up all the other times they've messed up in the past and jumble them together and conclude that this individual is an abomination to our species. What's worse is that we tend to refuse to listen to their explanation and assume that "well that 's what they should say to try to salvage their reputation, but I know they're lying." Well, do you really? Do you do that to your children as well? or your parents? ...What? They got different treatment now? Simply because you're related by blood? So if your family did the same mistake, you would try to forgive them? What are you trying to say here? A criminal is a criminal as long as they're not related to you then?

It's the same concept you're following when you blame some women and men for doing what they did. Culture can affect us only up to a certain point. How you actually behave yourself is totally up to your own morality. I grew up with both eastern and western influences, and often I like the western culture more. Nevertheless, I don't go around wearing mini mini MINI skirts and tube tops or outrageous outfits and with stilettos or platform shoes. I don't go around pretending I'm caucasian. I think make-up is nice, but I personally don't like putting them on my face. It's just not me, I'm just more comfortable wearing clothes that doesn't go above my knees and doesn't show my boobs and let my face (and pimples) breathe. We're human with minds of our own; nothing influences you unless you gave it permission to.

Whatever you do, there will always be someone around to catch on to it, especially when you have kids around. Children are quick learners; Whatever you say and however you act, they follow suit. Some people do stupid things, some people do stupid things and are careless enough to get themselves caught on camera. But that's their problem. Of course, you can be upset about it, but don't go around bashing every other thing related to this person even when those other things have nothing to do with the crime/shame/mistake here. An rotten apple is a rotten apple, do not blame the grass and leaves and the branches and the tree and its roots for it. I'm sure you're good parents, aunts, and uncles to your younger relatives. I'm sure you want your kids to grow up and become compassionate, kind, peace-loving adults. You wouldn't want them going around causing trouble and offending other people's identities. Because what does that say about YOUR OWN identity when you go around stepping on other people's genes and beliefs?

I know I started this whole essay about gender equality, but morality and the education of our future generation are more important. Let's save gender equality for next time. Next week maybe?

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

This is it.

This is not the first time I blogged, possibly not my last if I somehow decided to delete this current one and take a break from blogging. Because I can never stop writing. I don't talk very much, nor have I the audience/someone to listen to my rambling. So I must write: in a journal, or a Facebook status, or a random essay in my laptop, or a blog. These words have to get out of my head. And when this free website site came along, I just thought "well, what the heck, go hard or go home, right?" My life isn't confined to just words, in fact, my whole life is a big distraction. There's photography, lots of doodling, the occasional master pieces, and some weird art stuff that I don't even know why I created. So, welcome to my website. I hope you like it, but I suppose you can just leave if you don't. Heh.

I can give you a thousand and one reasons for me to blog, but why would I want to lie to you, I might not even know who you are. The real reason I blog, is because I want to be heard. Because there are so many idiots out there that said the wrong words at the right time and got themselves catapulted right into the spotlight. A good thing or not, you be the judge, but I sure wish there are more logical and rational people out there are voicing out their opinions, because here I am, almost exploding with rage from the stupidity of certain groups of people existing in our world. What makes me even more frustrated, is that even though WE can make the change if we try to, we often chose to tolerate and keep our mouths shut. Nobody wants to be the smart aleck. Nobody wants to be the next big mistake.

So, yes. In a way I want to attempt to start a small ripple of change in our rusted culture. Sure, my opinion may be wrong in some parts and weird in others, but as long as there's a hint of truth in the midst of the chaos of words, my conscience is clear and blog I will. I am afraid of getting jailed for free-speech though. Oh, the dilemma. Nevertheless, I don't want to turn into one of the ever growing number of puppets we have in our generation who don't give a fuck to the world "because we're all doomed anyway". Don't get me wrong, I'm quite ignorant and indifferent as well, but there are some things that you just can't NOT be angry when you got to know about them. We're doomed because of the way we think, and we'll definitely rot in hell if we all think like you scumbags-who-are-too-'cool'-to-care. Who do you think that fought hard to give you the freedom to not-giving-a-fuck to begin with. The people who do give a fuck, that's who. 

But of course, there wont be angry and frustrated posts all the time, I have plenty of issues other than anger. And I'm not unreasonable, so feel free to let me know when I'm going over-board (but don't be mean, this is my blog after all). If you think that I said something right and worth sharing, don't hesitate to share it out, I'd love to have more like-minded people to talk to, makes me feel less alone in this place.

TIFN (That's it for now)